The Spiceskull Manoeuvre:

[Spiceskull]

My new tactic:

 

Aim: To trip the bank up, and to get them to give out conflicting statements/advice

Method: Contact centre queue processes

 

Overview:

 

Contact centres, when dealing with first line enquiries, operate queueing processes, which basically means that your query is answered by the next available agent. By using the online 'contact us' features within accounts (in this case HSBC) and firing off the same query 20 times in succession, it is expected that I will receive 15 different responses...

 

For 'measurement' I will use my own 'reference number,' which I will request is quoted in all correspondence. The query itself will be a 'state of progress' enquiry about my refund request. Whilst not being the letter in it's entirety, it will offer enough information that each agent will respond with a different set of 'response templates.'

 

Once the responses start coming in, I will post discrepancies to the group...and will be able to provide this to the moderators, if they wish it.

[Bovvered]

That'll be interesting...waiting for your posts of their varied responses..

[Spiceskull]

I fired off my questions yesterday evening. They quote 48 hour turnaround. I expect to be posting replies tomorrow evening...I can't wait.

[Spiceskull]

Update: well, I received a reply that was completely unsatisfactory. Here is the response (surprise surprise Mr Bowden..) and my reply to the response. I think that my mission has been achieved, and that they slipped up (though not how I expected) However, I think, that the response gives me plenty of ammo. They will no doubt reply that my impression is wrong, and that this is not what they meant in the reply...in which case why didn't he just say what he meant?

 

Message Dear Mr Skull

 

Thank you for your e-messages dated 22 March 2006.

 

I noticed that your query is still being dealt by my colleagues at the branch. Please note that I have today advised them to deal with your enquiry on priority.

 

You shall be contacted once the matter has been resolved.

 

Yours sincerely

 

 

Mr M Bowden

Manager Customer Credit Services

My reply:

Dear Mr Bowden,

 

Thank you for your response.

 

I notice that you refer to my e-messages (in the plural,) and that you have taken it upon yourself to reply to more than one query in a single response. Is this normal practice for the bank, as I specifically included a reference number with my messages, and requested that this be quoted in any response so that I may file my correspondence in an orderly fashion. All of my queries to the bank are individual, and each should be treated accordingly, and with all due consideration given to the special circumstances of each individual message

 

Your response also stated that "I noticed that your query is still being dealt with by my colleagues..." Noticed? Can you explain what you mean by "noticed?" Noticed is something that happens casually, or when things are just casually left lying around. Am I to imply from your response that my letter, to the manager, is just left lying around so that anyone who cares to can just "notice" it? If this is so, then make no mistake, I shall be raising this issue with the highest authorities, and reporting this gross dereliction of responsibility by the bank.

 

You also refer to colleagues in your response. My letter was addressed to the manager of the branch. As such I would expect my query to be handled by the addressee, not a group of nameless and unaccountable 'colleagues.' The nature of my letter was of the utmost severity and highly confidential in nature. I fully expect it to be dealt with by someone in authority, and have no recollection of authorising designation of this task to a colleague with lesser authority.

 

To be continued in a separate message due to the incompetence of the online message system, and it's inability to accept my response in it's entirety...

 

...continued. how is that for a laugh?

 

Finally, you state that I shall be contacted once the matter has been resolved. Let me make myself perfectly clear - I will NOT be contacted when the matter has been resolved! What I requested, and what I expect, is discussion of the issues raised. At no time did I request that the issue was to be resolved at 'second contact.' The issues raised, and my concerns, can in no measure be classed as 'resolved' without further discussion between both parties, and a full and satisfactory explanation by the bank regarding those issues.

 

Frankly, I am disgusted that my correspondence with the bank can be handled in such a cavalier fashion. I find that my confidence in HSBC to demonstrate integrity and expertise as my fiduciary has been severely damaged, and by association, my confidence in the banking industry at large has been damaged in the same manner.

 

Again, I wish to state my position with the utmost clarity. The nature of ALL my communications with HSBC are of the HIGHEST priority, and are of the STRICTEST confidence. Clearly you are not in the position to treat my communications with due dilligence and respect. I insist that ALL my communications with HSBC are escalated to a higher authority forthwith.

 

Yours faithfully,

Mr Skull.

[Spiceskull]

A further update: I want to nail these bugg**s once and for all, so followed up my reply with the following:

Dear Sir/Madam,

 

Further to my earlier response, and notwithstanding the nature of my response, please could you clarify a point for me?

 

I am of the impression that Mr Bowden is a non-existent person, and that all responses purporting to be from him are, in fact, either automatically generated by a computer script, or are handled by a contact centre agent, using paragraphs from pre-defined templates.

 

Please can you categorically state that Mr Bowden is, in fact, a real person, and that he holds the position he claims, or confirm my suspicions that this is an automated/semi-automated query handling procedure.

 

Due to the severity and confidentiality of my concerns, I wish to ensure that my issues are being handled by the appropriate people.

 

Thank you in advance,

Mr Skull.

Know thine enemy - Give them no quarter

[natalie]

I would edit your posts to remove your name, but cant wait to read their response!

[Spiceskull]

Hmmm - I obviously removed my details, but don't feel that my name is really an issue...but now I think about it you could have a point. Whilst they cannot use this against me in a technical sense, they could certainly make things very difficult for me...I think I will take you up on that advice - thanks.

[Spiceskull]

This topic was closed on 03/07/19.

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